I choose to believe because through countless simple and strong tender mercies…I know He believes in me.
There is no possible way I can describe these sacred and sweet moments that have flooded my life, especially these last two years. I never saw coming what came. I never thought I would be fighting the mental battles that I witnessed so many courageous women fight every moment of every day. I never thought I would personally feel those dark places the mind can take you. I never thought I would know the deep despair the adversary relentlessly tries to compress into the hearts of His daughters. It is real. It is a battle. And it is one brave reach in trusting His hand, and the hands He sends, to give you that reassurance…you can do this…He believes in you…and after a simple yet strong reminder one afternoon in May, I held tight to the fact that I knew He believes in me too.
I needed to stop driving and breathe. I needed to stop and just let out the sadness, the fear, and the desperate cry to be given relief from all of it. With my wet and swollen eyes from the hours of tear filled pleading, I finally turned into the nearest church parking lot. The despair and worry was just too great. It was suffocating. Gratefully, I had a dear friend with me in the car, pleading her own prayer to Him for help. She didn’t need to say or do anything. All that mattered to me was that I wasn’t alone.
My despair grew deeper and my fear grew stronger. I wanted to quit. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was exhausted. How can this be happening to me? How can my once calm mind feel like storm raging every moment? Who was I anymore? I couldn’t do it. I was done.
Just as those thoughts came into my mind, another car pulled into that church parking lot. I looked over to see who it was. It was the sweet husband of my friend. I wanted to hide. I didn’t want anyone, especially him, to see me like that. My friends husband walked calmly towards us. He knocked on my window, and with the most peaceful and merciful smile, he told me everything was going to be ok. How did this good man find me? How did he know the mental battle I was struggling with that day? Even seeing the mess that I was, he never asked and never felt he needed to know why. This man knew He knew, and that was enough. This man just came, and shared hope. I could feel it. So, I looked up and by the slightest glance into this good man’s eyes, I knew He was there for Him. I felt in that moment it wasn’t just my friends on either side of me, but He was there and so many from the other side. He believed I could and would get through this. That this battle...all this I was fighting against in mind…will and is being made beautiful. I needed to just be patient. I needed to hold on tight. He believed in me. And that simple truth was enough to let my heart and mind breathe.
We find so many experiences in the scriptures of God finding people where they are, and extending a hand of undeniable confidence in whatever challenge they are faced with. He gives tokens of strength and resiliency to demonstrate His belief in our ability to get through the tests and trials given. He sees and knows we are stronger than we think we are. He sees us perfectly. Loves us unconditionally. He has armed me and you with everything we need to fight through those deeply personal tempests. And as we take His hand and look into His eyes, we will dwell with Him. In a place of peace...of joy...and discover a love He has for us that is profoundly powerful.
How can I not believe in Him who has perfect belief in me.